Doesn't today just seem like one of "those" days? I had a full night ahead of me but my day was pretty free at that particular moment. "Maybe I'll go to Macy's to kill some time.", I thought to myself. You know, Macy's is such a happy place. They have employees running around and it always seems so, so festive! Macy's has everything that you could possibly want for yourself in one convenient spot. I'm in the children's section admiring the fact that they now carry The North Face coats for kids. My daughter has one already so I was thinking about getting one for my eldest son. While I stood there pondering the cost of the coat and the amount of currency that was left in my pockets, I see this kid that looks to be about five or six years old walking by with a tootie in his mouth. You don't know what a tootie is? A "Tootie" is just a cute little make-believe fantasy word for PACIFIER. What the hell is a kid that big still doing with a pacifier? The kid looked like he was enjoying it. Like he needed it and it needed him. I can't imagine what it's doing to his breath or his teeth. This is a bad habit to start your children off with. If you are not careful, the pacifier can easily be transformed from necessary to a necessary "evil". For those of you trying to deal with the problem of getting your 6, 10, or 15 year old off the toot, I've come up with something that just might be right up your alley!...BEHOLD...
WARNING: The fruity rooty tootie herein referred to as the FRT may cause severe internal bleeding, nausea, dry mouth, dry hands, heat flashes, night sweats, chills, uncontrollable public unrination, violent mood swings, sudden weight loss, rage equal to the virus in the movies 28 days and 28 weeks later, hallucinations that your dead ancestors often appear and visit you for brunch (your treat), irritation of the vaginal area, heart rate increases, delusions, above normal flatulence, bleeding nipples, red eyes, pussing, or the strange feeling that your asshole is on fire as if you shytt'd a molten lava brick. If any of these symptoms persist, please consult a physician.
-P*A*N*A*M*A
2 comments:
...no thanks, I'd rather just recycle Butter's crate and prong collar.
Hilarious.
Post a Comment