Is THAT Your Baby???

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's in the water. Maybe it's a government conspiracy. It could possibly be accidental or even an act of God. Whatever it is doesn’t excuse the fact that in 2007 I have never seen so many ugly babies in my life. Where are they coming from anyway? Is this the Chinese year of the Dog? It’s not like there’s one couple in Minnesota making them all. I know I know…I could very well be setting myself up. You remember the adage, “Be careful not to talk about anyone else’s kids because your kids might come out the same way!” Well, as much as I have said about other people’s offspring I do take consolation in the fact that none of mine are blind, crippled, or crazy. Well, not as of yet even although I do believe the later of the three hasn’t been clinically proven yet. C’mon now, I know you’ve seen these “seeds” before. I use the word “seed” very loosely. Seed would suggest that they are sprinkled all over the place and come from plants or vegetables perhaps. Well, maybe they do. The Children of the Corn always comes to mind.

Here’s the deal: I’m sitting on the bus getting ready to hop the train to my destination. I tend to let my mind drift into whatever it wants. This is how “I” relax. I notice a couple sitting a couple of seats in front of me. They were the typical “ghetto” couple I suppose. The mom was dark skinned and about 400 pounds with calves that would rival Popeye’s. She put me in the mind of hmmm, I don’t know…the HULK?!! She was sporting a dress which was about 3 sizes too small. Adding to the visual assault were flip-flops and a braided Mohawk hair do. Now, let me emphasize that I “DO NOT KNOW HER”. She could very well have a magnetic personality, a prospering career, yada yada yada. I am merely speaking from what I saw. All of this is based on my perception and with that “What you see is what you get”. Her man was what I have come to expect in a man that would have courted such woman. He was fair skinned and kind of rough around the edges. Saying “rough around the edges” is really being too kind. Dude looked like a seasoned holiday drunk as opposed to a holiday season drunk. Like he was there but he wasn’t here. You know how post Vietnam drunks look, all glassy eyed with the 1,000 yard stare. Basically, I’m guessing he was with her to get a hot meal because you KNOW she’s eating well. There’s probably a liquor cabinet somewhere with a horn of “Plenty-O-Drink”. Clothing is obviously secondary or maybe closer to the point of being a necessary evil for him, from what I could see. How does he pay for all these street level niceties? Most likely it’s the occasional WWF “Smack Down” in the sizzack. This is where the horn of Plenty-O-Drink plays a vital role in his arsenal. How else do you forget the hellish war you’ve gone through in the bedroom the night before? It’s like she’s America and he’s some third world country. You get the funny feeling that after he’s consumed his Thunderbird and Grey Goose, she’s going to invade his restricted airspace and there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s in charge of “JACK SHIT” and we all know his name is not “JACK”.

So after a night’s worth of campaign efforts, a couple of tours of duty, and fighting a losing battle he throws up the peace flag and says, “no mas”. Please cease all hostilities towards me and my body. What’s left is the making of “Super Ewww” made from two lesser “Ewwwws”. Isn’t it funny how all of this can play out in Panama’s mind in a matter of minutes? You should see the movie! At any rate, they are sitting on the bus playing and displaying this love child that needs to be locked up in a cage next to the dog-faced boy. They are just-a-bouncing him around their laps and being extra loud with him to draw attention to themselves. “Haboobooboo” and “that’s my baybayaby” are just the beginnings of what was turning out to be the longest bus ride known to man. The kid would drop his bottle and the shit would roll to the front of the bus, just for someone to pick it up and hand it back to the hell spawn. Then he would do it again. I’m thinking, “Since when did they allow pets on public transit? Does the port authority know about this? And more importantly, where do they sell exotic pets in this area?” Then the missing link started tossing his shoes all over the place. I kind of understood that one though. What monkey wants to wear shoes? You can’t very well peel a banana with your feet if you have shoes on now can you? Proud parents don’t correct this kind of behavior. They encourage it. Now son is standing up slobbering on that dirty bus window and making madd noise. I’m feeling like, “Ok, alright, we know you have a kid so please shut it up, b!”

Trust and believe that some have home training and others don’t. How can you be an ugly kid and NOT have home training? At least that would balance things out. A lot of these goonies grow up to be rather nice looking teens or adults and give positive contributions to society. Is it better to be an ugly kid with a great attitude or a cute kid with an ugly attitude? I don’t know. It basically boils down to the parents. The same parents that have these ugly kids see fit to make us acknowledge that they have these loud, spoiled, ugly kids. So to them I would say, “Keep your pets on a leash and your over-the-top public displays of affection for these cross-breeds down to a minimum and we’ll pretend that this never happened.”

-P*A*N*A*M*A