Talk To The Hand

Today I saw a military man who actually had a hook for a hand. I was kind of surprised to see it. I was hoping that he didn’t accidentally hear me whispering to myself, “Wow, a genuine hook”. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask but was I too embarrassed to. Yes, I know that I do carry a mouth on me. I’m quiet from time to time but the people that truly know me, KNOW, that I can talk a lot of crap as well. So with that I started to think about today’s medical achievements in prosthetics. Why would he opt to go old school and get the hook? I’ve got to admit, it’s got to be sooo cool to show the chicks a genuine hook instead of the plastic hand. It seems to me like the hook is a little more “Bad Ass” then the prosthetic hand. After all, it’s not like there’s truck loads of people making the prosthetic hand look “Bad Ass”, although I have seen a handful (pardon the pun) of people make the prosthetic hand look “Ass Bad”. There was a dude on the subway that had a prosthetic hand. He was also wearing real rings, straight up jewelry, on his prosthetic fingers. To me, that’s like putting “hub cap spinners” on a Ford Focus (No offense to the Ford Focus). It’s like the only question that comes to mind is” Why? Why homie? Why?” Ironically, on the very next day I saw another guy with a prosthetic hand that had fingernails on the prosthetic fingers. I know right? This was crazy. I’m guessing that dude actually sat there and thought to himself, “You know what would make my hand look real? If I add Lee press on fingernails to my plastic hand…No one will be the wiser!!!" Ne-gro pullease…

I’ll tell you what though, don’t be surprised if you start to notice prosthetics with built in blackberry and Ipod connectors for the corporate user, burlwood and chrome trims for the ultra elite, custom tattoos or graffiti art for the street veteran, and for the pleasure seeker…the built in ribbed finger tip vibrating mechanism. Now with the hook, it is what it is, a hook. Its cold hard steel formed in the shape of a semi-circle. That rocks, Son! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to do something to purposely get my hand lopped off. I’m perfectly happy with both the hands that God gave me. I find them very useful for everyday conveniences like pointing n****z out, hitch hiking, sending text messages to Quin, picking my nose and/or azz, changing motorcycle tires, clapping at the end of a Star Wars movie, shoplifting, starting bar fights, hugging my kids, pissing on cars seats, watering a garden, giving hand gestures after I have been verbally abusive to people that I do not know and have never seen a day in my life, pointing my fist to the sun in contempt because Je’lene didn’t not call me at the exact time she said she would call me which puts me behind schedule, and giving spankings (take that how you want to take it). If I had to make the choice between the plastic hand and the hook, I would probably opt for the hook too. Still, I may change my mind tomorrow and want the plastic hand. Eh, who knows? Perhaps I would change my rap name to “Hook Shotz” or something shytty like that. But I do know that there’s no need to dress the hook with diamonds, fingernails, kung-fu grips, or French ticklers. Any form of metal protruding from your limbs is making a statement. That statement is “I will kick your azz”.

-Panama